It’s been a while since my last letter to you all. As I’m sure you all know, summer is a mixture of busy and lazy for all of us — for me, it’s more on the "busy’ side, which is just the way I like it. But I’ve finally found the time to sit down today and write this, something I’ve been meaning to do for a while.
As I’m sure you’re all aware, coming out is the process of telling people something about yourself that was previously kept secret. In today’s terms, coming out is mostly used to refer to somebody who is on the LGBT spectrum who admits to the people around them that they are, in fact, on that spectrum. Sometimes, the other people would have guessed, and greet the news with a shrug. Other times, they’re not so aware, and stare at you in shock with their mouths half full of food and a slow ticking seen behind their eyes as everything falls into place.
What people don’t know about coming out — unless, of course, they’ve had to do it themselves — is that it takes a very long time for us to get to that point.
Coming Out can actually be devised into a few milestones, that don’t necessarily have to follow the order listed below, but it is generally how it happens. I like to call them the Trials and Tribulations — quite honestly, most of the time, I do feel like I’m on trial with all this.
Step One: Admititng it to yourself
The dreaded Step One is the only way to start off — before you admit it to yourself, you can’t admit it to anyone else. It’s no use telling people you are something when you’re not so sure of it yourself. It’s only when you’ve had a good look at yourself that you can say, safely, that you are something.
Unfortunately, Step One can be very harrowing. It’s all about admitting that you’re not what everyone expects you to be, and having to rearrange your whole self image, and having to look at yourself differently. Isn’t that tiring enough as it is? After coming out to yourself, it’s kind of hard to ever want to do it again. But believe me, after that, telling people becomes a little easier.
Once you’re OK with You, it’s OK to tell everyone else.
Step Two: Telling friends
Is it just me, or is it always so much easier to tell your friends than it is to tell your parents? And I mean this with anything — whether it’s about the person you’re dating, or the first time you had sex, or the fact that you’ve picked up a smoking habit, the first people you normally tell (or who find out first) are your friends. It’s just so much easier to tell friends.
And yeah, sometimes, you come across those odd ones who decide that you’re disgusting and never want to speak to you again. To that, I say (in the words of Queen Else of Arendelle) "Let it go’. They’re not worth it, and you don’t deserve that kind of negativity in your life. Just let them move on with their lives and live in their little homophobic bubble. Those people who stick by you after you tell them your biggest, darkest secret are the people who you need in your life all the time.
Anybody else doesn’t have to be a part of your life unless you want them to be.
Along with this section is the ever popular sub-section: Exes. Don’t tell your exes unless you really have to or really want to. It’s none of their business.
Step Three: Family
This, I personally feel, is the hardest part. How do you go about telling the people who raised you that their expectations of you are gone and now they have to change ever so slightly, in the romantic department? Most parents are stuck in the between of telling you they love you no matter what and yelling at you that you’re ruining your life. You get parents who don’t care, who just adjust their world view and refer to you having a same-sex partner from now on instead. You get parents who take their time getting used to it. You get parents who don’t ever talk about the big rainbow elephant in the room. Then you get the parents who kick you out.
I wish I could say that you can just ignore them and move on with your life, but the truth is, you can’t. This is where it’s so hard — these are the people who raised you and who love you. And yet they can’t look past this one little thing that doesn’t actually change anything. I wish I could say that ignoring them and living your life is an option, but first you have to move past the hurt of this. And I’m sorry to say, the hurt doesn’t fully go away sometimes.
Along with family are cousins, siblings, grandparents — the works. These you don’t have to tell unless you really want to. They’re not that important, especially if they’re not a huge part of your family and everyday life. But for the most part, your siblings and your cousins can be some of the most supportive people you encounter (at least, in my personal experience). Just be ready for jokes and quips related to exes from now on.
Step Four: The Workplace
This is a situation that’s mostly "Should I/Shouldn’t I?’. Should I tell the people I see on an almost-daily basis? Should I tell these people who don’t really care, probably?
It’s all up to you, really. Do you know them well enough to be able to trust them with this? Do you think they’ll treat you badly after? Do you think they’ll be totally cool with it?
In my own personal experience, I find that telling at least one co-worker is a huge weight of your shoulders. Having at least one person at work that knows can help elevate some of the feelings of loneliness you might have, feeling like you’re the only non-straight person there. Even if the person you tell is straight, you’ll at least have someone to talk to when your girlfriend breaks up with you, or when your brother finds you kissing another boy outside your house.
Co-workers are an iffy ground in that you might never feel the need to tell them. But if you do, be careful where you tread. Like family, they might treat you differently afterwards. But also like family, they might just take it in their stride — and start making little jokes of their own.
Really, there is no right or wrong way to tell anybody anything. You can tell people one by one, or you can blare it out loud and proud on Facebook. You can slowly let it slip through until you’re comfortable or just burst out of the closet in a flurry of glitter and rainbows once you’ve reached the age of not caring a single f*** what anyone thinks.
The thing is, coming out is different for everyone, and it’s also a huge deal for everyone who does it. It is the one thing we all have to go through, and though we may feel alone in having to do it — like no one will ever understand — you just have to remind yourself, time and time again, that if somebody else has done it before you, and they’re still around, then maybe you can do it too.