Written by Daniela Cremona
Whether you broke things up with your partner or your partner broke things up with you, going through a breakup can be a very stressful experience. In this article, I will be exploring why breakups are so difficult, how we develop relationship patterns, and the way in which therapy helps us deal with a breakup and move on to a better life and better future relationships.
Effects of a breakup on a person’s mental health
According to the investment model of commitment, a committed relationship is based on four main principles: satisfaction, amount of investment, alternative choices, and commitment.
- Satisfaction refers to the amount of positive or negative affect which is being received by an individual in a relationship.
- Investment refers to the amount of resources that one has put into the relationship including physical and emotional investments. This includes shared belongings, common friendships, self-disclosure, memories which were made together, intimate information about each other, and more.
- Alternative choices refer to the different choices that a person is presented with in terms of potential partners and the question of whether one’s relationship goals could be better met by another person.
- Commitment refers to the amount of time, effort, and personal investment put into a relationship.
The more of these factors a person has invested in a relationship, the harder and more emotionally consuming the breakup will be. According to Rhoades et al., the end of a romantic relationship most often results in a significant decline both in psychological wellbeing and in life satisfaction.
It is of utmost importance that we work on the things that may be jeopardizing our romantic relationships. This is so that both parties concerned can have a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Where does the pattern of the relationships we get in, come from?
One of the factors that have a huge impact on our relationships is our attachment style. All of us have an attachment style that we learn through the interactions that we have with our parents when we are young. Aside from leaving an impact on our relationships, it also has a great influence on our potential partners.
People who as babies had their physical but most importantly, emotional needs met, tend to develop secure relationship patterns. Others whose emotional needs were not met when they were young tend to develop an insecure attachment style. Insecure attachments tend to be grouped into three types of attachment: anxious preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.
- People who fall into the anxious preoccupied category tend to have an exaggerated need to feel wanted. They will also idolize their partner and require frequent reassurance and validation from others.
- Dismissive avoidant people tend to avoid connecting on an emotional level with other people and thus, dismiss relationships altogether.
- Persons who fall into the fearful-avoidant attachment style tend to be compelled to seek out romantic relationships. However, when his or her partner tries to connect on a deeper level, the person reacts by withdrawing from the relationship.
Relationship patterns that fall into the insecure attachment style tend to cause problems within romantic relationships. This does not mean that all relationships of people with attachment styles are doomed. This is where therapy comes in.
So, how does therapy help us?
As bleak as the prospect of a breakup might seem, there is always a silver lining to any situation that life gives us.
Some individuals appear to experience what is referred to as post-traumatic growth. This is when a positive transformation happens to an individual after experiencing a kind of traumatic event. Going to therapy may help enhance this post-traumatic growth. Research has shown that after a breakup it is important to talk about one’s emotions and worries. This helps to to reflect on the relationship itself and a therapist can help you achieve this.
A therapist may be able to trace both harmful relationship patterns that you probably weren’t aware of. They might also see your attachment style which might be causing problems within relationships. By doing so, they will be able to see what kind of partners you might be attracted to. Bringing up these issues, will help you understand why and where a relationship went wrong and help you avoid future heartbreak.
It is highly beneficial for anyone who is going through a breakup but also through relationship problems to seek help from a professional. It is highly possible that a dire situation may provide us with a golden chance for personal growth.
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