Written by Francesca Camilleri
According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (1943), sex is a physiological need equivalent to breathing and sleeping.
On the other hand, sexual intimacy is considered as a fundamental love and belonging need. Therefore, maintaining healthy relationships is one of the most important factors in any person’s wellbeing, regardless of age. So, why do ageist beliefs paint older adults as asexual and view intimacy between them as shameful and disgusting?
On a similar note, the assumption that older adults’ self-esteem plummets because of natural changes to the body (like wrinkles and discolouration) which in turn affects their sex life, might be true for some, but it is not the experience of all. We must go beyond and question such assumptions, as after all, sex and intimacy needs do not diminish with age. In fact, contrary to popular belief, some studies suggest that sex gets better with age and not worse.
Yes, older adults have sex!
While the frequency of sex does decline as people age, the quality might make up for the quantity. Lee and Tetley note that while physical challenges occur more frequently with age (like vaginal dryness, erectile dysfunction, and physical pain) the emotional side of sex is nevertheless more fulfilling than in younger counterparts. After all, sex is not defined by penetration. People can find equally satisfying and creative ways to deal with age-related challenges.
Such solutions could include focusing more on intimate touch, something often overlooked in earlier years. Utilising sex toys, partaking in oral sex are just a few of the many examples. This is what is referred to as adaptive behaviour, proving the phrase “you cannot teach an old dog new tricks” mistaken. Such efforts come to show how important sexual connection is to older adults. They are willing to change their sexual techniques, behaviours, and patterns in order to be a “sexual survivor”. This could be a reason why people in their 80s report more emotional closeness and shared sexual compatibility than middle-aged people.
“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gon’ love somebody else?”
In another study, Thomas pointed out several factors that lead to better sex. Being more comfortable in one’s body and becoming confident in one’s understandings of how their bodies work when it comes to sex are two examples.
In opposition to this, as per Kingsberg, women in their 40s and 50s reported that an improved body image would have the most positive impact on their sexual satisfaction, in turn affecting both a woman’s sexual desire and her ability to experience arousal.
These are tied to a reported increase in self-confidence that “allowed them to be freer in terms of sexual expression” (Thomas). Additionally, improved communication skills were also reported. This enables participants to feel empowered in speaking up about techniques that work and others that do not. Thus, those that do not work are avoided and those that do are emphasised and utilised more frequently.
The majority of over five hundred women between 40 and 75 years of age stated that “sexual activity was important to their overall quality of life” (Kingsberg). This is due to a rise in dopamine levels and the release of oxytocin which create feelings of romantic love and deep emotional attachment. However, intimacy does not only come from romantic or sexual partners.
Intimacy Beyond Sex
The socio-emotional selectivity theory states that older adults mostly focus on priorly established meaningful relationships rather than on creating new ones. Seniors are more aware of their own mortality and their limited time left. These intimate relationships usually manifest in friends and family, the latter usually being siblings.
Friends in adulthood are defined by a sense of mutuality. They can exchange advice and favours, confide in each other, help each other in times of trouble and try to better each other’s sense of overall well-being. Friendship is also important for better adjustment through life transitions and socialising, especially regarding finding life or sex partners. When older adults have a social network, they are more likely to have higher levels of self-esteem. This is more impactful than the person’s income or marital status (Whitbourne & Whitbourne, 2011).
Siblinghood in Older Adulthood
On the other hand, sibling relationships have the potential of being both the longest-standing and the closest relationships in an older adult’s life. This is why losing a sibling could be devastating to an older adult, especially if they were close in age. The older adult now feels that death is closer to their reality. Siblinghood, similar to close friendship, can be a source of comfort, protection, and support during difficult time periods. Siblings share the grief of losing a parent or work through childhood trauma (Merz & De Jong Gierveld, 2016).
Interestingly, emotional support from siblings has been shown to reduce loneliness in older adults. Having someone with a common history of upbringing and similar socialisation leads to shared opinions which could be crucial in times of need like crisis situations (De Jong Gierveld & Peeters, 2003).
Debunking Ageist Misconceptions
Although society has worked on shrugging off the restrictive shackles of history when it concerns sex and the pleasure associated with it, we must create the space for topics like older adulthood and sexuality to become normalised within society. Doing so will enable older adults to think of themselves in a different, arguably more positive light. This will reassure them that their experience is normal and that they are not “past their prime”.
On a practical note, accepting that older adults have sex means providing elderly homes with tools and contraception. A doctor will also be assigned to ask about sex during routine appointments and not ruling dysfunction as a side-effect of ageing but actively trying to help. This is one way of ensuring older adults have the best overall well-being possible.
Click here for another piece on relationships by Betapsi!
