Chronic fatigue syndrome – My Struggles with Dysania Depression
In a couple of hours I should be in my scrubs observing a consultant performing a physical examination on a patient. A couple of more hours after that, I am supposed to be seated with tens of other students attending a lecture; a contemporary ceremonial gathering celebrating a dying tradition. My schedule is as packed as that of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; however, I do not anticipate the sight of a single pancake any time soon. Instead, I opt to stay in bed. A temporary prison sentence before I pay my dues as part of a civilised society. A sentence that is in no way voluntary.
I’ve spent many hours – or maybe days – staying in bed, on the couch, or on any surface that can withstand my weight. The funny – and sometimes disturbing – fact is that I do nothing at all. Usually my thoughts keep me company. A series of concepts passing by my mind with no intention to answer a philosophical question nor ask for practical solutions. My points of view in life are redundant. My healthy image of myself is dilute. Social connection benign and effort expensive. My Mental Health, invalidated and irreparable.
Although the narrative on Mental Health shifted from a stigmatised point of view to an accepted social phenomenon, I worry it has become that of fantasy. Despite the heavy campaigning, it seems we are lost in some kind of discrepancy. Why are we raising awareness about something we’ve yet to understand?
I have an issue with our contemporary perceptions of what mental health is. There is a relentless reduction of the self and mind only to personify it as ‘Mental Health’; an Institutionalised fickle entity limited to deterministic ideologies in academia applying counterintuitive pressures pushing the narrative away from any legitimate Mental Health comprehensive dialogue. If I’ve lost you, how do you think I feel when my brain decides to think of these sentences? Allow me to explain my point.
In the past few years, we’ve become glued to mental health perfectionism and hyper-awareness. Millions upon millions of books sold insuring the key to enlightenment amongst its pages. Millions more globally are seeking mental health consultation – striving to find answers about their lacking mental capacity to deal with….. life. It has been a distraction from the initial concept of mental health campaigns’ genesis.
I’ve struggled with my fair share of mental health issues. In fact, for a couple of months now, I’ve been attempting – and failing – to write this article. The pressure I’ve applied on myself made me anxious and self-deprecating. I found myself ranting and rambling with my pen on some poor notepad that didn’t see my angst coming. My notepad resembled a detailed-ink-stained-map of Asia. Every emotion carried its own weight on the page.
Internally enraged from my writer’s block, I am nonchalantly staring at the wall. I just stare with no real intention, but with every bit of ambition. My mind sees it differently, of course. We are meant to sometimes stare at the wall to think, predict, and process information. Our memories intertwine with our never-ending fictional streams of thought, narratives, and dreams. I just couldn’t balance my thoughts with my writing. I was limited.
“To be or not to be, that is the distraction.” A quote from ME, in Bed.
As we target mental health, we are mostly missing the point completely. Therapy was never the ultimatum – nor was the placement of anyone in distress in a given time in some circle-jerk group feeding off of each other’s insecurities for temporary relief. Needless to say, therapy has become such an expensive investment. If students and those who are less privileged socio-economically cannot access help, are those campaigns offering impractical solutions?
Our deepest and darkest thoughts are those that drive us to be better human beings. The danger arises when we develop a complacency to those facets of our characters. We’ve become far more comfortable in admitting we feel ‘depressed’ than participating in a reflective process to deal with our introspective maturity.
I sure hope my Perspective is cynical. That we are not relying on social campaigns – who are exploiting mental health campaigns for exposure – to define what mental health means to us. That we are applying more effort to be in an uncomfortable mental space to learn where our expressive limits are.
The step forward is to discard the notion of mental health. The step forward is to rehabilitate the
narrative; to reassemble our social and intra-personal perspective to accommodate to all. A diverse
scenario where the formerly known as a person with mental health struggles is viewed as a human
who fits a unique psychological profile; moreover, a heterogenous person liberated from the
mental health limitations in social hegemony.