"People Do Not Need To Know My Name , Only My Story…..’
Since the outbreak of the size zero fad back in 2006, the media has been feeding its public countless other unhealthy phenomenons which we are made to believe are the definition of "health’ and "beauty’. I hardly think I need to explain the extent of the media’s power over us, thus inevitably such publishings have had terrible impact on us as consumers, particularly young girls.
I was lucky enough to speak to a 20 year-old University student who was directly affected by this fad. She was kind enough to share her story with me but has chosen to remain anonymous.
Q : Have you always been conscious about your weight?
I have always been big for my age. I remember even at a very young age I needed to buy clothes which were 2 sizes bigger and for a while it didn’t bother me but when I used to see my friends and my cousins get smaller sizes, that’s when it began to bug me.
Q : Did you ever show signs that you may end up with an eating disorder?
Yes, but at the time I dismissed it as a phase. I was only 12 and the size-zero fad had just broken out so it was all over the press. I remember looking at photos of anorexic girls on the internet and thinking they were lucky because they were thin. I used to look at "fat’ people and wonder, "How can they ever be happy?’. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, since I knew I was growing up and developing so I believed I was going through a phase, but that’s the thing about phases – they are so much more dangerous than we think….
Q : What happened after that?
I think every girl goes through the "I’m not going to eat my dinner’ phase so I didn’t worry that much to be honest. Throughout the years I dismissed all my emotions as being normal so I didn’t let myself worry so much. However I always did care a little too much about the way people looked at me. Would they describe me as fat or thin? That was something which, unfortunately, really brought me down
Q : How old were you when you first got rid of your food?
I was just about to turn 18. Even during my 18th birthday dinner I got rid of what I ate. Before I went to get help all by myself I used to tell myself that maybe what I ate was undercooked or maybe I ate too fast or too much and it made me sick. I guess deep down I knew something was wrong but I kept telling myself that that was taboo and it was too surreal to happen to me. After 2 months I went to the school counsellor asking if there was someone I could speak to to give me a diet plan. I remember she looked shocked and scheduled an appointment with me the next day. Looking back, I think I really was going to her to ask for help, but chickened out at the last minute and came up with that lame excuse.
Q: Did you go to that appointment?
Part of me felt like : "Oh yes I’m gonna lose weight’, but the other side of me was like : "What are you doing to yourself?’. That’s how I can confirmed that mine was a rather mild case because although the "ED voice’ was there, I was still being rational even though sometimes I would give in. I was lucky to have enough self-respect to be able to go seek help after only 2 months. I guess deep down I always did value myself, I just hid it because I didn’t want to seem full of myself.
Q : How long did you spend in counselling? What would your counsellor tell you during sessions?
She did used to tell me to seek more professional help. But the thought of that scared me. But I guess I’ll never really know why I didn’t go to a GP or a therapist; perhaps I just wasn’t comfortable, or I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I would have sessions twice a week and after the first month I found myself beginning to look forward to this therapy. I learned to occupy myself as soon as I feel the urge to get rid of my meals coming my way. I learned that the issue was a combination of intertwined insecurities I had which were the result of bullying and being too impressed by what the media publishes. I learned to re-invent my idea of beauty and above all, I learned a bit more about who I am as a person. My friends were very helpful too when they found out. Even now when they see me start to lose weight they get a bit concerned. I kept going to counselling for about 3 months before I decided to face things on my own.
Q : If someone were to call you fat now, how would you react?
I don’t always have the same reaction. Sometimes it kills me and I get really depressed and self-conscious, others I’d just be a ball of sass and not care. But no matter what the reaction I tell myself that I will not put my body or my health at risk just because some git thinks I’m fat. It’s not worth it. Nobody is worth you making yourself sick for.
Q : Do you regret going through an eating disorder?
No. I can honestly say that had I not went through it I would in no way be the person I am today. I would gladly go through it again if it means being the strong young woman I am today. Bulimia was painful and tiring and I kept doubting myself, but I will never regret it. It made me stronger and I feel like I can go through almost anything. I’m not saying I’m invincible, but I’m much better at handling issues on my own now.
Q : Do you ever fear a relapse?
I almost relapsed once last October, almost 2 years after it first came out. But this time round I’m stronger and wiser and I know what I need to do. I simply refuse to put myself at risk just because of an insecurity. That was the last time I got rid of a meal, last October.
Q : What advice would you give to young girls that are maybe going through a similar ordeal?
I mean it when I say you are not the size of your jeans. Screw that, you are so much more. But I would suggest speaking to someone. It’s incredibly therapeutic speaking to a counsellor and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody needs to know. Everyone is strong if they really want to be but my best advice I think would be to always put yourself first. Do you really want someone’s opinion of your physique to have a negative impact on your health? Is it really that worth it?
Q : Lastly, what made you want to share your story in this manner?
I believe any exposure to something like this is helpful. Your own sister may be going through this and you wouldn’t even know. Maybe I’m seeking to help someone going through an ED, or considering putting themselves through it, or someone who feels down because she isn’t a size 8. Or maybe I can teach people who pass comments about other people’s weight to shut up and mind their own business. I know any little bit counts. People do not need to know my name, only my story, and above all the message I’m giving out right here.
