Pastor Gordon John Manché has presented yet another petition to MPs, following his 10,000 signature petition which was previously submitted. His new prayer backed by 50,000 signatures, requests MPs to ignore his previous petition.
The pastor implied that the Holy Spirit which currently occupies the role of statistics officer within the River of Love fellowship manipulated the research which the pastor cited in his previous petition.
“The focus group selected was biased,” Manché serenely explained. “Turns out that the majority of the spirit’s closest friends were homophobes.” The pastor also implied that it was the Messiah who enlightened him.
“Jesus, who was part of this group, was one of the two individuals that wanted gay adoptions and civil unions. When I consulted him about his decision, he mentioned that the Messiah himself had two fathers.”
“I was stunned by that biblical fact,” Manché enthusiastically revealed, before carrying out a very heterosexual dance routine. Manché continued to argue that since Jesus was the chosen one and he had two fathers, each and every child with two fathers would be able to achieve either immortality or the power to untangle headphone cords.
However, when asked about female same sex marriage and adoption, the pastor dismissed the notion since there were no biblical references he could latch on to.
“We shall contribute to the Crimean crisis,” the pastor exclaimed in a rather peculiar deviation.
“From data gathered by the Holy Spirit throughout this month, we have discovered that 90% of Crimeans disputed the referendum held on the 16th of March. The spirit also revealed that Russian gay population amounts to 73% of the Russian community, while the other 44% are still in favour of same sex couples. President Putin alone constitutes the final 1% who disagree with same sex marriage and the right for them to adopt children.”
As we demanded further details regarding this assistance, Pastor Gordon Manché revealed his strategy. He pointed out that if we legalize same sex marriage and gay adoptions, we would draw President Putin’s attention. “Thus,” he continued,” Crimea should be able to sneak out of Russia and get back in Ukraine and hence, the crisis would be dealt with.”