Written by Rachel Dalli
It is hardly surprising that humans, by their nature as social beings, have the potential to communicate several aspects of their lives. The phenomena underlying this ability is that of the theory of mind, which describes a person’s ability to discern their own mental states and that of others. Empathy refers to the capacity to share emotions, a term often confused with sympathy, despite the chasm that lies between the two. Throughout this article these differences will be highlighted and illustrated by examples.
What is Empathy?
Empathy stems from the German word ‘Empathie’, an equivalent of ‘feeling into’, and refers to the capacity of stepping out of your own world and into that of another to such depth that you find yourself experiencing the same emotions as someone else.
Dr. Brené Brown (video above) describes empathy as the ‘vulnerable choice’ of connecting to a person or their situation by drawing upon a similar experience you have previously encountered and getting on the same level as the other person.
How Can You Show Empathy Effectively?
You must be able to look at matters from others’ perspectives, avoid judgments, and recognise and communicate the emotions you sense in other people.
Empathy is not a static quality available to a select group. Rather, it develops throughout life, gradually becoming more sophisticated. For instance, babies display primitive empathic responses by crying when other babies cry. Though this might seem too trivial an example, it clearly illustrates the recognition of another’s distress projected as one’s own. As the baby then grows, theory of mind starts developing and they learn to differentiate between others’ emotions and their own. Sustaining this distinction is essential in empathy, as it is not concerned with adopting another’s emotions, but rather, changing worldviews and feeling what other people feel by picturing yourself in their situation.
I am so sorry for your loss
Sympathy is far less personal than empathy. It merely acknowledges others’ feelings with no effort or intention of understanding them deeply. Empathy strives to bridge the gap between two people by levelling those emotions, while sympathy recognises the discrepancy and leaves it at that. Imagine your friend’s grandfather recently died and you attended the funeral. It can safely be assumed that most interactions between attendees and the grieving family would include: ‘I am so sorry for your loss’; ‘At least he lived an incredible life’; ‘At least you have beautiful memories with him’. Despite the best intentions at heart, they can often yield feelings contrary to those intended.
Instead of alleviating the pain and making the griever feel better, they may be interpreted as a failure to recognise the depth of their emotions and brushing them off by finding a silver lining. Phrases starting with ‘at least’ may convey the message that the person’s situation is not as serious as others and is therefore unworthy of the attention received. Normalising problems and issues in life may give people a sense of hope and empowerment to work through them, but it may also fail to validate the well-warranted emotions.
What can we say instead?
Instead of using phrases staring with ‘at least’ or ‘on the bright side’, show the person that you are trying to understand how they are feeling by drawing upon a personal similar experience. By connecting with that experience, you will achieve a deeper understanding of what the person is going through. While showing them that you made effort to get on their level, be with them, and show them that they are not alone.
With reference to the above example, one may say:
“I understand how you feel. I also lost my grandfather a few years ago and I know what you are going through.”
Some Tips!
- Think before you speak
Think about how your message could be interpreted. The intention behind what you say may be pure but it may come across differently. If ever you are in doubt, put yourself in their position and think about what you would rather others say to you.
- Listen
Someone may open up to you about a sensitive topic and you may not know how to answer, and that’s okay! Sometimes, it is not about what witty responses you give, but about being there for the person and listening to them. Do not do anything that seems unnatural to you. Show the person your support and appreciation with entrusting you with such personal matters. Saying something on the lines of: I don’t know what to say but I’m glad you told me. I’m here for you.
- Relate but don’t make it about yourself
Relating someone’s experience to your own is a fantastic way of showing them that they are not alone. However, be careful not to make it about yourself. Be sure to listen to the person and to tie your experience to theirs.
- Communicate
Sometimes you just do not know what to say or do, and that is absolutely fine! People react and cope to situations differently and it is hard to tell what the person needs and when. Do not be afraid to communicate your uncertainty and ask them what they need. This will help the person feel they are valued and cared for.
