Written by Andrè Mifsud
The Independent‘s agony aunt column shared this story:
“My girlfriend Amy has an Australian pen-pal called Leo, who she has been in contact with since her early teens. For me, this was okay – despite this Leo having a special place in Amy’s heart. For years, they maintained contact via chats and messages. Unlike me, he is 6’2″, rich, intelligent, sporty, athletic, tall, dark, and handsome – and I know this because Amy talks about him…a lot! But he was always a continent away, so I never thought of him as a problem. This was until last week, when Amy came rushing to me with a letter in hand, screaming: “Oh my god, Leo is coming over for a holiday!” I admit, I got a bit jealous. Amy asked me why I was stressed. “Yes, he’s good-looking, but it’s you I love and it’s you I’m with!” Admittedly, this didn’t make me feel any better. The day of his arrival has come, and I don’t know what to do…” – Gavin
This story adaptation makes you wonder; If you were Gavin, what would you do next? Naturally, there is no right or wrong answer. However, your answer is likely to reveal a lot about your attachment style!
The Attachment Theory
The Attachment Theory was developed by John Bowlby in the 1960s. It is based on the premise that all our relations in life are determined by a first emotional attachment. This is usually formed with the main caregiver in childhood. This caregiver can be the mother or father or any other person with whom a young toddler emotionally connects.
Bowlby’s theory is quite in line with Erik Erikson’s psychosocial development theory. Erikson’s theory suggests a compromise between trust and mistrust mastered during this period. Thus, our initial relationship with our main caregiver serves as an emotional foundation of trust and security. This is where we form future relationships with friends, family, and spouses.
Secure and Insecure Attachments- The Origin Story
Ainsworth and Bell conducted an experiment called The Strange Situation. Children are put in a situation that is considered strange to them while also experiencing separation from their caregiver. In total, the child went through five stages throughout the experiment:
- The child is in the room with their mother.
- The child is introduced to the stranger but the mother is still present in the room.
- The mother leaves and the child is left alone with the stranger.
- The stranger leaves and the child is left alone.
- The child is then reunited with their mother.
However the child reacts determines what attachment style the child has. There are two types of attachments; securely and insecurley. Insecurely then subdivides into three different attachments.
- Securely Attached: The children easily separate from the caregiver but when they are scared or feel threatened seek contact and are readily consoled and easily soothed. When they are reunited with their mother, there is a positive greeting from the child’s side. They clearly prefer the mother from the stranger.
- Insecurely Attached (Avoidant): The children avoid contact with the mother, and while they do not resist the mother’s effort to make contact, they do not seek it either. There is no preference to the mother over the stranger.
- Insecurely Attached (Ambivalent): The children are wary of the stranger and are greatly upset when the mother leaves them with the stranger. They do not feel reassured when the mother tries to show comfort, and while they seek contact with the mother, they also avoid it. They avoid all contact and/or comfort from the stranger and are angry at the mother upon her return.
- Insecurely Attached (Disorganised): The children exhibit a dazed behaviour, confusion and apprehensive. They move towards the mother but look away at the same time. They move towards the mother but look away at the same time.
According to Ainsworth, the type/quality of attachment depends mostly on the mother’s behaviour towards the child.
- Secure Attachment: The mother is sensitive to the child’s needs, that is, being more responsive, cooperative, and accessible than other mothers. These mothers provide warm and close physical contact, especially when the infant is distressed.
- Insecure (Avoidant): The caregiver is often impatient and/or uninterested, rejecting the child and being self-centred and rigid in their behaviour.
- Insecure (Ambivalent): The caregivers are interested in the child but misunderstand their behaviour. They are inconsistent in the way they treat their children, therefore the child is unable to rely on the caregiver for emotional support.
How does this relate to adult relationships?
The securely attached individual will find it relatively easy to get emotionally close to others, depend and be depended on. Emotionality here is mutual. They will feel comfortable with emotional closeness and intimacy, and confidently trust partners rather than fear abandonment.
Conversely, the ambivalently attached individual fears abandonment constantly. They are usually anxious and overthinks/doubts a partner’s love, and believes he/she will leave them. Rather than mutual effort, individuals here feel they love their partner more – because this fear of abandonment drives the ambivalently attached individual towards big gestures that not only can never be equalled but scare partners away with their intensity. Anxiety, in this attachment style, problematises trust. Reminds you of good old Gavin by any chance?
The avoidantly attached (or rather detached) individual finds it difficult to trust and depend, feels uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy, and represses feelings rather than express them.
With this knowledge in mind, let’s go back to Gavin. Gavin’s reaction to the initial dilemma reveals trust levels and security modelled by his attachment style in infancy, inevitably affecting his romantic relationships now. Even though attachment styles are believed to have formed in the first year of life, this does not mean they are irreversible! Every new relationship we have in our life is a new chance for us to change our predispositions – regardless of secure, insecure ambivalent or avoidant – and found our relationships on the most important virtue of trust.
Check out Betapsi’s previous article here!
